Teena
by geektime66
Summary: A closer look into the death of Teena Mulder.


Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the X Files.

Teena

When I heard the news I was angry. I was so angry that I had to take a couple minutes before I found Mulder and told him. I needed to be strong for him and I couldn't show the hatred simmering beneath the surface.

I thought of Mulder and I trying to conceive a child and how much I longed for one and I wondered how a mother could do this? How could a mother burn all of her pictures, take her life, and not leave a note?

I wanted to have all the information before I went to Mulder so if he had questions I would be ready.

I didn't know how he would handle it. Over the last few years they had grown apart and there was a lot of bitterness between them, however, she was his mother. They had never been so very close but all of Mulder's revelations about his mother pushed them apart even more.

At times I would pester him to call her. On holidays he would either be with me and my family or alone and I would beg him to call or at least send a gift to her. Sometimes he would listen and other times he would not.

I rested my head against the door to Skinners office and dreaded being the barer of this news.

* * *

As I looked around the scene I was puzzled by it. Why would she not have left a note? Why burn these pictures?

I didn't know why she did this and so I grasped on to an answer that would be easier. She was killed. It was all apart of a conspiracy to cover up what happened to Samantha. They killed her and I would find them.

I asked Scully to do the autopsy despite knowing the pain it would cause her. She is the only one I trusted and if this was a conspiracy I needed it to be her.

I was not there for it; she would not allow that. So I sat in the dark waiting for her.

Scully entered my apartment and I knew by her face that my mother had truly taken her life.

The illness helped me to make a bit more sense out of it but I felt the guilt in the pit of my stomach that she didn't feel like she could tell me.

I thought of all of the things left unsaid between us, all of the hateful words that we had thrown at each other and I wanted to destroy something.

I couldn't breathe as Scully took me into her arms. I held on to her like a drowning man because now I knew that she was truly all that I had left.

I kissed her that night selfishly. We didn't make love but we got close. As I groped her and ground against her she just ran her hands through my hair and looked at me with sad loving eyes. I looked back the next day and was glad that I'd had the presence of mind to stop it before we went to far, before I went too far.

I didn't want our first time together to be angry and sad. I felt bad that I had kissed her and touched her so roughly. I'd felt that if I pulled her close enough to me with enough passion she would melt into me and I would never be alone. I knew without asking that she would have given me anything. She would have given herself completely if she thought that's what I needed and part of me hated her for it and hated myself.

* * *

I wondered if Fox would ever forgive me. On the phone he sounded distracted but hopeful. He thought he was going to find Samantha. I knew he never would.

She and Fox's biological father had revealed the truth to me a few years before; she was dead. My little girl was dead and I let it happen.

Part of me had wanted to kill myself when I heard but I held back. I would not give him the satisfaction. I knew he held some sentimentality toward me but that man could never truly love. His loved destroyed everything in it's path.

I had realized at some point that my love was the same. Fox resented me for my part in it. He hated that he was not his father's child and felt betrayed.

I looked at the pictures and documents that I was burning. I wanted to erase myself from his life and from the face of the earth. This seemed the best way to do it. He would mourn but I knew the truth: Fox didn't need me. We rarely talked and I knew most times it was at the urging of his partner.

I considered leaving a note but there was really nothing to say. I knew that they would find out about my illness and it would speak for itself. I considered writing something short telling him I loved him but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted him to move on from me and leaving anything behind would entrap him further in despair.

I prayed for the first time in a very long time. I prayed that Fox would be happy, that he would find Samantha, that he would find true love and all of the answers that he was seeking. I mostly prayed that he would move on and let his memories of me fade into nothing.

My last thoughts were of him and then I was gone.


End file.
